The blog has been pretty quite of late. Most people who read this was possibly awaiting an update on how my journey into veganism was going.
I was fully prepared to take this course of action, in the name of fertility. I’d brought books, I had a pintrest board and i’d even brought vegan friendly food to start my transition from bacon lover to tofu warrior.
December was an insane month. Our wedding finally arrived and it was everything we wanted it to be and more. All that planning and stress was worth it. We had a lovely, yet chilly, honeymoon in Cornwall and visited a spa on the outskirts of Bath on the way home.
We really wish this was a totally different type of post…but it does not bring good news.
I first want to say that it may seem strange we are telling people in this manner but for our own reasons it is easier then to tell people individually and I wanted to stay true to the reasons I started this blog. For which Neil supports me. We apologize if any of our loved ones who read this are upset by this but we ask for your support.
After a Christmas with family that seemed so full of new life and promise, new years day brought sadness, tears and pain in the shape of a miscarriage.
We found out on 22nd December, and it felt like Christmas had come early. By our estimations, and looking back at signs we had put down to wedding stress, I was nearing the end of the first trimester. An online due date calculator estimated a due date of around 14th July. We should have been getting ready to announce Baby Lewis impending arrival.
To say we was over joyed was an understatement. For it to be implied for so long that it was a pipe dream and then to see those two urine soaked lines is just indescribable!
I had to tell work due to my job…plus I wasn’t hiding it very well at all! We also told our families over Christmas. Happiness all around.
I had only tested because I had not been feeling myself since before the wedding and felt kind of bloated, like I was constantly full. I was tired, nauseous and had been emotional (very unusual for me!)
I think in hindsight I only tested to rule it out with Christmas and new year looming. I wanted to check I was good to fully celebrate!
For those nine days I felt like we had it all. Our waiting had paid off. I know we are early in the fertility game compared to others but it is no less of an emotional struggle. People say you feel your most beautiful on your wedding day, and while this may be true, I felt amazing whilst pregnant.
I had a show of old blood new years eve and having sought advise I was not worried. I did not feel unwell and there could be lots of reasons for this (old period or implantation blood for instance). I have even heard of some women, including my nan, who have had periods through their whole pregnancy. I was only to worry if fresh blood was present. So I went to work on new years eve and joined in the festivities once I got home from my late shift. I told Neil who was worried but I explained these things can happen. I was ok. Let’s not worry.
The next morning I was worried. I had a show of fresh blood. Not wanting to draw this sad story out, we spent new years day in hospital loosing our baby. Who we had already nicknamed shortround, as neither of us liked saying ‘it’!
The pain is real. Both physically and emotionally. They classed it as an incomplete miscarriage and we had to go back for further blood tests on the Sunday. Monday brought a phone call confirming it was a miscarriage.
Words can not describe how much you can miss a little heart you never met.
We was informed that 1 in 3 first pregnancies end this way. It doesn’t make you feel any better but at least we know we are not alone. Miscarriage is a common occurrence in my family, to the point my sister and I found a pattern. We’re predicting I could be pregnant with a girl in no time lol
Our families and friends (who knew) have been very supportive but I have been guilty of hiding away. You can’t cry if noone asks right? I apologize if anyone has felt I have ignored them.
Tomorrow marks the three weeks since it happened. We released a yellow balloon last week to say our goodbyes and although this helped a little it still stings.
We don’t expect sympathy and it’s okay if people don’t know what to say…sometimes that is better. We don’t have to talk about it, again that is sometimes better.
One of my friends sent me this picture after I told her and it is beautiful yet poignant. However it is true.
In time we will heal and hopefully we will be blessed with healthy babies carried to full term. But for now we have the memory of our first who will always be affectionately referred to as Shortround.